2776) I really don’t like this mindset other people have (and not just the men lusting after me) that because I’m MTF, I should lower my standards to whatever man is willing to “degrade himself” enough to touch me, and it’s really gross. Either I get a man who respects me and is a good boyfriend, or I’ll stay single and be fine with that. Why should I have to settle just because of who I am?
2773) I have an appointment with an endocrinologist in a bit over a month. I know I should be grateful and I hate sounding like a brat, but I desperately wish it was sooner so that my transition would go faster. Everyday I spend as a miserable boy is one less day I could have spent as a happier girl.
2772) I thought my family would get over their hatred of me being MTF. I was wrong. I attempted suicide and I damn near died because I was sick of all the shit that came with being MTF. I really did come close to death, and they had the gall to mock me even after they almost lost me. It’s disgusting, really. The only reason I’m still around is because my neighbor (who is also my best friend) found me and called 911.
2771) I wish people would stop asking my sex in such a mocking tone. It’s one thing if they genuinely are unsure whether to refer to me as a boy or a girl but that never seems to be the reason. Not to mention, why bother asking me if you’re just going to mock the fact that I’m not “really female” and shouldn’t refer to myself as being a woman? What’s the point?
2769) I used to be suicidal, but I managed to control it. I’ve had a lot of fellow transgender people ask how I managed to not want to kill myself when my body is all wrong and with all the dysphoria. I wish I could say it’s the light at the end of the tunnel and the thought of finally being a woman someday, or some shining beacon of hope, but it’s actually because the thought of me being acknowledged as a male in death without being able to correct it disgusts me enough to live on.
2768) I like women. That means, when I’m post op, the fact that I am unable to become pregnant will probably never come up unless the idea of having a sperm donor comes up. I’ll be honest, it makes me not want to disclose my history once I have the full body of a woman… but I’m not sure.
2767) I have some things left to change my name on (passport, Social Security card, birth certificate) but I can’t find the energy to bother with them. I can’t even see a woman when I look in the mirror. How could some sterile government document with a bad picture of that same freak my reflections shows me possibly make me feel real?